Dating Myth or Truth? Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

Expert advice on surviving the aftermath of an affairBy Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

So you've been cheated on. It's devastating -- like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You can't eat or function at work. Or maybe you're up all night watching old movies, bawling, and eating pints of Ben and Jerry's. Discovering your partner's affair gives you such heartache and pain that you doubt you'll ever recover.

But when the cheater tries hard to win you back, some questions loom large: Should you forgive him/her? Is this cheater going to cheat again? You may feel torn; perhaps wanting to take your remorseful partner back, but you feel like it's a point of pride not to. You may want to drop the cheater altogether, dive into an online personals pool, and start looking for a more loyal significant other.

No doubt about it, it's difficult to deal with a cheater, and you're not alone. Research shows that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as "happy" with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this:
Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair. Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all. In some cases, couples can learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane, otherwise known as the aftermath of an affair.

Of course, there are promiscuous players who will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones you truly have to stay away from. How do you tell if you're dealing with a chronic cheater?
Here are five signs that may indicate a former cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:

1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them. He/she accepts total blame for his/her betrayal.

2. Your partner cuts off all contact with the relationship perpetrator.

3. He/she shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.

4. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, including what was missing in it and how you'd like it to progress.

5. Your partner wants psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to improve your relationship.

If the former cheater shows these signs and you can forgive him/her, consider taking your partner back. Yet, be aware that taking your partner back carries one caveat: There's a possibility your partner will slip back into infidelity.

And just how do you know if the cheating has resurfaced?

Here are some common signs that may indicate secret betrayal:

He/she works late a lot.

He/she suddenly takes trips you aren't invited to go on.

He/she spends too much time with hobbies that don't include you.

You get mysterious phone calls with hang-ups.

You find bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items.

Intimacy in your relationship dramatically decreases.

He/she grows more distant or agitated than usual.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that you may become a victim of an affair again, but don't expect it. You've chosen to forgive your partner, so let bygones be bygones. But if you uncover another affair, it's time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this hurtful person immediately. Move on and don't let this unfaithful person ruin your future relationships. Leave your anger and sorrow behind; it's not only fair to your next partner, but beneficial to your psychological well-being and your potential to bond with a better partner. Keep your spirits high, because there are wonderful new matches waiting out there.

In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn't absolutely mean he/she will do it again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. Forgiving and reuniting is an option. If you've been betrayed but want to see if it can work, go ahead and work on it. Just keep in mind that you've decided to take a risk, and don't let paranoia get the best of you. But at the same time, pay attention to your partner's behavior so you can spot which way the train is heading!

Discover the hidden meaning in your name

Maria Angela

Your charming, witty and vibrant personality ensures your popularity and usually places you at the centre of activities. You also have a determined will and capacity for leadership which often places you in positions of authority. Your generous, humanitarian and idealistic nature gives you a desire to work towards goals which will be of benefit to everyone. Material and emotional success are a natural result of your endeavours.

Maria Angela Garcia

You are an extremely gifted individual with the ability to be outstanding in your chosen area. Independent, intelligent and wise you tend to rely on your own efforts rather than team support. You have a disciplined approach to life using your logic, organisational ability and sound judgement to achieve results. You do not seek the limelight and remain modest about your considerable successes. You are admired for your integrity and honesty.

Angela
Angel, heavenly messenger "Greek"

You are an inspiring leader whose originality, creativity and wisdom are applied to creating practical solutions to "unsolvable" problems. Humanitarian and idealistic your vision is to make the world a better place and you will work to this end. Hardworking and tenacious people admire you for your honesty and integrity. You are a loved and loyal friend and partner. Your have the potential to achieve enormous success in the world.

Maria
Bitter "Hebrew"

With your charismatic personality and persuasive powers you naturally attract all the good things in life which you could want. Kind, generous and sincere you are a good friend and partner with strong attachments to home and family. You are ambitious and have sound business acumen, this together with a natural love of life ensures that you enjoy success financially and in your relationships.

Gela

You are a charismatic individual with a dynamic and attractive personality. Probably not known for your caution or patience you are a risk taker who hates to be restricted in any way. Freedom is very important to you. Your thinking and intuition is strong and you have a talent for communication. You enjoy the sensual and material pleasures of life and with the application of care and wisdom you can achieve wonderful worldly success.

http://www.bostonuk.com/name_meanings.php

Rushing or Living

I found myself following a snowplow home from the office the other day. I didn’t really mind, though. A Winter storm had dumped two inches of fresh snow on the road that morning and I was happy to have the truck clearing the highway ahead of me. It gave me a chance as well to enjoy the scenery as we moved along at twenty miles per hour. The snowy hillsides were so beautiful. They looked like a sparkling glimpse of Heaven. Seeing them filled my heart with such peace. I smiled as I drove along and thanked God for this glorious sight.

My mood, however, was not shared by the driver behind me. Just as we were nearing some curves the snowplow started to pull off to let us pass. The driver behind me didn’t even wait for it to get off the road before speeding past us both. His car slid in the snow and almost off the road as he went around us. As I watched him speed up again I said a quick prayer that God would keep him alive until he learned to slow down his car and his life.

It seems like far too many people in this world are like that driver. They seem in a constant rush to get somewhere. They rush to work. They rush home. They rush off to their vacations and then rush back. They rush through every part of their lives. No matter how much they rush, though, they never seem to get anywhere. That is because they mistake rushing for living.

God gave us these lives to learn in, to grow in, and to love in. Don’t rush through them. There is no place that you need to be except where you are right now. You were meant to experience life, to cherish life, and to enjoy life: not to hurry through life. Your life is meant to be a journey of love and happiness not a race to some unseen finish line. Take your time and rejoice in every second that you are given here. Then when you look back on the life you have lived you will see a million moments of love and not a blur of wasted years.

~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~

Sweet Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." I saw this wonderful old saying again in a book recently. It got me to thinking about all the times that I have been able to forgive others in my life and all the joy that it has brought me. One memory stands out particularly well. I was a young boy spending a week at 4-H camp during the Summer. I was having a great time and enjoying everything about it except for another young boy about my age. To say we didn’t get along would be an understatement. We spent most of the week irritating, insulting, and picking on each other. Words finally came to blows on the next to last day of camp. We got into a fist fight which I lost. Thankfully, older boys broke it up before I was hurt too much. I spent the rest of the day alone, sulking and stewing in my own anger.

The next day my spirits were lifted, however, when my Mom brought the boys in our cabin some of her delicious homemade pizzas. I was enjoying a few slices of it when I saw the other boy sitting by himself at the bottom of the steps outside. He seemed very lonely right then. I am not sure what moved me to do so, but I took my pizza down and shared it with him. It made all the anger and pain inside me go away. We became friends after that. I never got into another fist fight either. I had found out that sharing and forgiving were way more fun and a lot less painful.

Forgiveness truly is the sweetest revenge. It can turn an enemy into a friend. It can free a heart from the chains of anger, hatred, and pain. It can open a soul to the sweetness of love and joy once again. It can help you to live by the Golden Rule and to create a Golden Life. It can bring you back to oneness with God in everything you think, feel, and do. That is why I often pray, "God help me to forgive, help me to give, and help me to love."

~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~

Cheating Happens

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don't have. Somewhere along the way, you will meet someone who will be more charming or sensitive than the one you're already with. more sexy. more thoughtful. wealthier. better in bed. and you will meet someone who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your boyfriend/girlfriend ever did. because no boyfriend/girlfriend is perfect. because your boyfriend/girlfriend will only have 90 percent of what you're looking for.

So, cheating happens when you look for the missing 10 percent. Lets say your girlfriend is melancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty girl next-door who has a cheerleader laugh no matter what she says: I broke my arm yesterday, ha ha ha... Or because your girlfriend is a couch potato who is always in pajamas and smelling of garlic and cooking oil, you may fall for the CK-One-smelling colleague who comes to work in a sharp pinstripe blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt. Or because your boyfriend is the type who never shuts up even when you've tried using duct tape, your heart may skip a beat when you sit next to a brooding, mysterious Latino on the bus.

But wait! Thats only 10 percent of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90 percent that you already do! add to the 90 percent the 100 percent that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The many adjustments you have made to better understand each others little quirks and idiosyncrasies. The wealth of memories that you have accumulated as lovers. The old sparks that can always be rekindled by the walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars.

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don't have. but faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already do.

I Love Jack Kerouac!

Just want share his beautiful quotes. My all-time fave!!!

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

“Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk- real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.”